NCO Club: Off Topic Discussions => The Lounge - Get A Beer & Just Chatter Away => Topic started by: Rattler on 26 December 2009, 21:08:30



Title: Ay, Australia!
Post by: Rattler on 26 December 2009, 21:08:30
From another forum I frequent, a nice joke... Any Kiwis around?  :cover:

Quote
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet,- replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, stream and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high- achieving, and they will be throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep rooting, Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them".

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE :clap:


Last phrase seconned,

Rattler


Title: Re: Ay, Auatralia!
Post by: MontyB on 26 December 2009, 23:38:39
hehe we have similar jokes...

Quote
An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand fan are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession Of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible Crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, They are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day, their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first in line, he thought for a while and Then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African's Horror he said smugly:

"Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:

"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Kiwi replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me Not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you Are also very brave".
The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"?

"Tie the Australian to my back."


and

Quote
Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"

And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,





"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"



Title: Re: Ay, Australia!
Post by: Rattler on 27 December 2009, 06:44:35
Nice ones!  goodpost :dance:

Rattler